Life must be meaningful for other people in some way, because somehow they go on with their lives...

But I cannot understand. I feel like my life has lost all meaning, that it is useless to go on. This must be a lie, but this is what I feel right now. And I don't understand how other people can just live...

...because to me their lives feel very meaningless - perhaps even less so than mine - and yet they live on, strive on...

...this doesn't make much sense. Maybe I'm just being very stubborn - after all, what is my word against that of a multitude?

Or maybe most of them live on because of pragmatism.

In cast you didn't know, I don't like pragmatism very much. I think it is a lame excuse to do things...

...lame because there's got to be better reasons for doing stuff.

I have always been suspicious of the happy people in life. If they never get depressed then I wonder if they feel deeply enough. Maybe they do, and they're just very strong...kudos to them!

Maybe I'm looking for the real me. I feel like I don't know myself anymore...

...it seems like the real me is pretty buoyant... I'm drawn buoyant, beautiful things in songs and art...yet gentle - I swore I never wanted to be an angry person who lashed out at the things around me...I hope I am gentle - I like splashes of color, but nothing garious ...I care for people...I feel with them a bit too much, so that sometimes I can't go on...and I'm pretty open about sharing myself if I trust the person enough. I like pretty heavy music at times. I don't like things that sound too happy...I like things that express paradoxes. I'm really bad at history and geography and I don't like pets. It seems like I lean more toward the social sciences than the humanities (I just learned the difference between those yesterday)...and one big secret about me is that I might say I don't mind about something, and gloss it over, but later - my subconscious will turn it into the biggest deal ever - beyond anything I could have expected or anyone else could have expected, so that none of us even realize it is connected to that thing in the first place. I'm really neurotic, because my imagination goes a little too fast. I like patterns and abstraction but for some reason fractals bother me. I'm really shy...I don't usually engage the situations I would like to engage...and it takes me awhile to realize what I think about something. Sometimes I don't seem to care at first but then later I can't get it off my mind no matter how hard I try.

What else...I don't drive - probably because I'm worried about failing the exam...and I hate cockroaches. :P When I eat I enjoy the food...until I start thinking about other things, and then I eat very fast and forget to taste the food. But I eat very tidily. And when I bring my dishes to the sink, I wash them so that they look clean...but I don't like actually washing them...so I leave them looking clean but still needing to be actually washed in the sink. Weird habits.

I don't like pets. When I was a kid I would have died to have a cute pet...but the problem is with pets is that cute baby animals grow up into big animals that require a lot of care, and then they die...and it is so tragic when they die.

I don't value things so much unless I can find some sort of meaning in them, and a lot of the time the meaning comes from other people...if I really love someone, then I can find meaning in the things that they care for and like...

Things that I have found meaning in lately:
- artwork
- making people feel unique
- writing about reflections or truths I've learned
- sharing about God and His Word with other people