Between the lonely neurotic maid and the lonely cat that likes to pounce on walking legs at my office, I think I'm getting lonely and neurotic myself. :P

Hmm...I was just thinking that I have grace, truth and joy in my names - my first name means "full of truth" or "noble," my middle name means "grace," or "God is gracious," and my last name means "joy" in Thai. So this actually matches up beautifully with Randy Alcorn's quote on grace and truth and John 1:14 that I like so much, and Jesus' words - "I can that they might have life, and have it to the full"...I can make it my goal to be both grace and truth, and to have an abundant life full of joy!!

Only right now I'm not doing very well...the depression is not stopping. I feel worse and wors, more and more tired. I feel pretty worthless and I don't see the point of living very much. :'|

Actually I know now...sometimes you get epiphanies. I know now what started the depression. I don't know whether it is what I am depressed about now, because it's been two weeks at least. But that was what started it...

I really need to figure out what the problem is...because right now I don't feel like seeing anyone, or talking to anyone...at all. And if you don't interact with people, what is the use of living?

This is really bad...:P

Life must be meaningful for other people in some way, because somehow they go on with their lives...

But I cannot understand. I feel like my life has lost all meaning, that it is useless to go on. This must be a lie, but this is what I feel right now. And I don't understand how other people can just live...

...because to me their lives feel very meaningless - perhaps even less so than mine - and yet they live on, strive on...

...this doesn't make much sense. Maybe I'm just being very stubborn - after all, what is my word against that of a multitude?

Or maybe most of them live on because of pragmatism.

In cast you didn't know, I don't like pragmatism very much. I think it is a lame excuse to do things...

...lame because there's got to be better reasons for doing stuff.

I have always been suspicious of the happy people in life. If they never get depressed then I wonder if they feel deeply enough. Maybe they do, and they're just very strong...kudos to them!

Maybe I'm looking for the real me. I feel like I don't know myself anymore...

...it seems like the real me is pretty buoyant... I'm drawn buoyant, beautiful things in songs and art...yet gentle - I swore I never wanted to be an angry person who lashed out at the things around me...I hope I am gentle - I like splashes of color, but nothing garious ...I care for people...I feel with them a bit too much, so that sometimes I can't go on...and I'm pretty open about sharing myself if I trust the person enough. I like pretty heavy music at times. I don't like things that sound too happy...I like things that express paradoxes. I'm really bad at history and geography and I don't like pets. It seems like I lean more toward the social sciences than the humanities (I just learned the difference between those yesterday)...and one big secret about me is that I might say I don't mind about something, and gloss it over, but later - my subconscious will turn it into the biggest deal ever - beyond anything I could have expected or anyone else could have expected, so that none of us even realize it is connected to that thing in the first place. I'm really neurotic, because my imagination goes a little too fast. I like patterns and abstraction but for some reason fractals bother me. I'm really shy...I don't usually engage the situations I would like to engage...and it takes me awhile to realize what I think about something. Sometimes I don't seem to care at first but then later I can't get it off my mind no matter how hard I try.

What else...I don't drive - probably because I'm worried about failing the exam...and I hate cockroaches. :P When I eat I enjoy the food...until I start thinking about other things, and then I eat very fast and forget to taste the food. But I eat very tidily. And when I bring my dishes to the sink, I wash them so that they look clean...but I don't like actually washing them...so I leave them looking clean but still needing to be actually washed in the sink. Weird habits.

I don't like pets. When I was a kid I would have died to have a cute pet...but the problem is with pets is that cute baby animals grow up into big animals that require a lot of care, and then they die...and it is so tragic when they die.

I don't value things so much unless I can find some sort of meaning in them, and a lot of the time the meaning comes from other people...if I really love someone, then I can find meaning in the things that they care for and like...

Things that I have found meaning in lately:
- artwork
- making people feel unique
- writing about reflections or truths I've learned
- sharing about God and His Word with other people

I think sometimes it is much better to revamp the entire foundation of thinking behind something or to clarify, rather than to spend much time on revising the existent into something new.

I guess different people resonate with different things. It is very special when you find a person who resonates with the things you say...when you say stuff it just seems to strike them to the core, because that is them too. But it just goes to show that you cannot be too opinionated about your own opinion. There are many different ways of expressing the truth out there, and what each person resonates with is different. I can feel passionate about what I say, but it doesn't strike everyone else the same way...what I say speaks to only a few people. That is why we all must speak out about the truth...if we want many people to hear.

We cannot control people, much less hoard them for ourselves. Whatever our "intentions," that is not love...

I'm changing my personality lately. It seems like I sound more upbeat, playful, imaginative, and random when I talk with people...also I express a bit more of how I feel.

I feel a bit better. Yesterday went so well in cell group. And maybe that is the problem. I feel, today, very unworthy...of anything...and I don't feel like I have anything good to offer the world. But two people have told me that what I shared in cell group yesterday was so encouraging...

And then just now someone dropped by to the counseling office unexpectedly because they wanted to have their clients here...they said it was hard to go where they'd have to do the session alone, but coming here they could talk with me and ask me to pray for them.

And also Isra called me - that was encouraging. We'd talked last night about his driving exam today and he called to say he'd passed the writing part of the test and thanks for praying...

So maybe that is the exact problem. I do mean something in other people's lives, and I can support them - especially spiritually...and someone doesn't want me to do that!

I think I need to ask people to pray for me.

I don't feel like living anymore. It has only been 23 years, but for some reason it seems like things just get worse and worse. Maybe it is just me. I always thought when I grew up things would get better...more perfect, that I would be an improved person. But it is the exact opposite. It seems like each day I live it becomes more and more obvious how terrible things really are, and my flaws become more and more salient. If I could kill myself over my past mistakes, I would. They say it is a cruel thing to take yourself away from the people you love. But is living life just to be there for the people you love worth it, when it seems like things aren't real...when your moods are regulated by medication and not reality? I think I have wanted to twist reality to suit my perceptions...I thought my perceptions were truth - but in all actually my thinking something is one way doesn't make it one way at all. I always thought reality was what made us happy or sad, but now it seems that happy or sad is what makes reality. Somehow nothing seems worth it anymore. I think I'm losing my ability to feel...maybe because I felt too much for a bit too long. It feels like everyone else is dancing, but I'm not...I'm just standing on the sidelines, watching. I don't know how to dance. :\

I felt encouraged a moment ago when Isra called to talk and said he'd passed the written part of the driving test! I'm so proud of him. :)

I think I've gotten too scared of change too. I want to say changes are generally good, but...I don't know. This is not a very good way to start off this month. I hope things get better.