Saturday, June 28, 2008
So if I complain here then I don't have to complain to a live human being...just to a digital blog...that for some weird reason I have been feeling detached. People don't seem very real anymore...almost like they're just floating by w/ their problems and worries. Bizarre. I can't remember feeling this way before. I wonder if it's that I feel frustrated with the hurt and pain in the world...so helpless to heal the hurts of the world.
Also feels like life has lost so much meaning. It seems like no matter which field the career is in, those whom I relate to, or how hard I try...I don't know - life has lost its meaning for me.
And it hurts so much. There's always hurt in some way, all the time - but lately it just seems to overflow so that it's just debilitating. I've been trying to pinpoint why...I like to think I'm self-aware...but lately I'm just confused. I don't know what is wrong...why I'm so tired...why things don't seem to make sense anymore and why it all seems so unreal.
Sometimes I can be positive, but other times...life feels like one bad joke.
Maybe some people would say I need to be a tougher person...be more hard-headed and shrewd and firm w/ people and less emotional about life happenings...to some extent I'm sure this is true - but what use would it be to make a tough outer shell? It would be the same, without the emotions...which - it is all the same anyhow, no use fooling myself...
I mean - if you say something like "no more Mr./Ms. Nice Guy/Gal" to the world...do you really think being Ms. Tough Gal or Ms. Mean Gal is going to solve things? Au contraire...I think it would just be worse. The pain that comes from naivete or transparency may be worth it. Maybe some people can't live with themselves if they keep getting taken in or run over...but I think I couldn't live with myself if I also lost my trust in people and my wonder at the simple marvels of life. But I know I must have something to learn...there is a balance.
The one thing about blogging is that it does help me to feel better somehow...if I talk to a friend I just feel bad about having made the person feel bad.
And sometimes, really, the main problem is something that maybe just hurts too much to talk about or admit to yourself. And so you make up lots of other problems to think about and emote about because anything is better than facing up to reality.
So I guess I want to say that it hurts...but it can be okay.
Also feels like life has lost so much meaning. It seems like no matter which field the career is in, those whom I relate to, or how hard I try...I don't know - life has lost its meaning for me.
And it hurts so much. There's always hurt in some way, all the time - but lately it just seems to overflow so that it's just debilitating. I've been trying to pinpoint why...I like to think I'm self-aware...but lately I'm just confused. I don't know what is wrong...why I'm so tired...why things don't seem to make sense anymore and why it all seems so unreal.
Sometimes I can be positive, but other times...life feels like one bad joke.
Maybe some people would say I need to be a tougher person...be more hard-headed and shrewd and firm w/ people and less emotional about life happenings...to some extent I'm sure this is true - but what use would it be to make a tough outer shell? It would be the same, without the emotions...which - it is all the same anyhow, no use fooling myself...
I mean - if you say something like "no more Mr./Ms. Nice Guy/Gal" to the world...do you really think being Ms. Tough Gal or Ms. Mean Gal is going to solve things? Au contraire...I think it would just be worse. The pain that comes from naivete or transparency may be worth it. Maybe some people can't live with themselves if they keep getting taken in or run over...but I think I couldn't live with myself if I also lost my trust in people and my wonder at the simple marvels of life. But I know I must have something to learn...there is a balance.
The one thing about blogging is that it does help me to feel better somehow...if I talk to a friend I just feel bad about having made the person feel bad.
And sometimes, really, the main problem is something that maybe just hurts too much to talk about or admit to yourself. And so you make up lots of other problems to think about and emote about because anything is better than facing up to reality.
So I guess I want to say that it hurts...but it can be okay.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Sunday, June 15, 2008
a) we change...meeting new people changes us, opens up our world...sometimes we can't go back to the old.
b) sometimes the things we think we don't want to ever change, change...so that they are no longer things that we want to last forever.
funny how one person could save you twice in one day in completely different ways, from two completely different things. is that random?
funny how i can put on the best show when i feel my worst.
funny how a person can feel very sad and very happy at once.
life is about paradoxes. there is always more than meets the eye. sometimes you need to spell backwards to get it right.
so i have a cool new song i've been listening to. i've listened to it 23 times already this evening. hmm.
b) sometimes the things we think we don't want to ever change, change...so that they are no longer things that we want to last forever.
funny how one person could save you twice in one day in completely different ways, from two completely different things. is that random?
funny how i can put on the best show when i feel my worst.
funny how a person can feel very sad and very happy at once.
life is about paradoxes. there is always more than meets the eye. sometimes you need to spell backwards to get it right.
so i have a cool new song i've been listening to. i've listened to it 23 times already this evening. hmm.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Monday, June 9, 2008
I feel bad often that I don't seem to be there for people when they need me most. I feel like I have a pattern of failing people at their moments of greatest need. I'm not sure why...I wish I could improve in this. I seem to be a good friend a lot of the time, but when it comes to their crisis moments I'm just not there somehow...:P
Or maybe my crisis moments collide with those of others', so that I'm too wrapped up in my own issues when they need me most. I don't want it to be like that...maybe I need to turn outward more...
Or maybe my crisis moments collide with those of others', so that I'm too wrapped up in my own issues when they need me most. I don't want it to be like that...maybe I need to turn outward more...
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