I don't feel like living anymore. It has only been 23 years, but for some reason it seems like things just get worse and worse. Maybe it is just me. I always thought when I grew up things would get better...more perfect, that I would be an improved person. But it is the exact opposite. It seems like each day I live it becomes more and more obvious how terrible things really are, and my flaws become more and more salient. If I could kill myself over my past mistakes, I would. They say it is a cruel thing to take yourself away from the people you love. But is living life just to be there for the people you love worth it, when it seems like things aren't real...when your moods are regulated by medication and not reality? I think I have wanted to twist reality to suit my perceptions...I thought my perceptions were truth - but in all actually my thinking something is one way doesn't make it one way at all. I always thought reality was what made us happy or sad, but now it seems that happy or sad is what makes reality. Somehow nothing seems worth it anymore. I think I'm losing my ability to feel...maybe because I felt too much for a bit too long. It feels like everyone else is dancing, but I'm not...I'm just standing on the sidelines, watching. I don't know how to dance. :\

I felt encouraged a moment ago when Isra called to talk and said he'd passed the written part of the driving test! I'm so proud of him. :)

I think I've gotten too scared of change too. I want to say changes are generally good, but...I don't know. This is not a very good way to start off this month. I hope things get better.