Lol. Yesterday I got a wholly dramatic scratch across the back of my left hand merely by inadvertently brushing it past a thorn bush while leaving my grandmother's house. It is so funny because people will probably be all over this scratch, if they notice it, and I can just imagine what a time I will have trying to convince them it was just a plant at my grandmother's house. :-)

I'm feeling depressed again. I think I just don't sleep very well at night and this is why I keep getting depressed and tired out. :| I also wish that life made more sense, sometimes - I mean, life makes sense...it's just hard to feel it at times. Argh...I feel so sad!

Oh well.

Despite the depression, I do feel that God has been very gracious to me. He has helped me to discover that the things I fear most don't necessarily come true. In fact, the mirror opposite of what I expect from my romanticized fears may actually occur. I think that if we are not free of fear, we must fight for it - God wants us to be free...and sometimes it takes overcoming our thoughts and feelings long enough to believe that God can set us free, and to ask Him to do so.

I think.

Lol...I am thinking that I can be very stubborn at times.

I am sorry my posts are so depressing of late. Somehow it just helps to say how I am feeling, and I don't want to go burdening people with it so putting it here helps. It is funny how I have plenty of "lols" in the middle of depression...the truth is that I feel both; I feel awful...terribly sad, as if I did enough sighing I might just sigh myself away and disappear...but I can also laugh because there is much to be mirthful about. Life is full of idiosyncrasies that won't readily be ignored.

pondering <3

Thursday, January 3, 2008

I have been thinking a bit about romantic love. It has such an ability to cause either great pain or suffering or great joy. I think that because of that, it can be inferred that it is something of great import...it is not a part of ourselves that can be ignored. My heart just breaks for all those in the world with broken hearts, for those with dashed hopes...for situations that feel like they should be right but in the end were never meant to be. I think this reflects on the great schism that is a part of our universe because of sin. There must be a reason for all the incomplete love stories in this world, with the non-Hollywood endings.

If those who were suffering because the person they loved did not love them back (or else they loved each other and could not be together for some reason) could find a reason for why they suffered so, why such a small thing in the big scheme of things could cause them such pain, perhaps the pain might be lessened a bit or else made more bearable.

I think the world is built on a love story. Love is written into the foundations of this earth. Love (or non-love) and its impact cannot be ignored, nor should we try to ignore it. I think we should try to understand...there is something big behind something that can make such waves in a cognitive being.

It is what impacts the heart of us...to think that love is represented with a heart-shape (both romantic and non-romantic love) - maybe it is something so obvious, right beneath our noses, hidden in plain sight - love is at the heart of humanity. Babies die when they feel unloved. Maybe love is what keeps us going...keeps our hearts beating.

"Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." 1 John 4:8

"For in Him we live and move and have our being.' As some of your own poets have said, 'We are his offspring.' " Acts 17:28


What I wonder is what the distinction between romantic and non-romantic love should be. They both have such import...with such different nuances...I haven't figured it out. Is romantic love a subset of love...?

But then, the story of redemption is that of Christ, the Bridegroom, sacrificing for His bride, the Church. And after all the pain and suffering in this world is over, when things have been righted - there will be a great Wedding!

And romantic love is a type of that love. Perhaps that is where the meaning to romantic love lies - the redemption itself...not just the love that led to it. Maybe that is why it strikes at the very core of us? Or perhaps it is the extra bit that completes things...

"The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend who attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him, and is full of joy when he hears the bridegroom's voice. That joy is mine, and it is now complete." - John the Baptist (John 3:29)

"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete." - Jesus (John 15:11)

But I am not sure. Oh well. It needs lots more thought. There is some bit of differentiation needed and I haven't quite hit on it in my mind.

Come to think of it, trying to philosophize about love is a bit oxymoronic, love being the greatest emotion, and emotions being the least logical of things in this universe.

By the way, I was looking up verses that had "joy" and "complete" in them...and there seems to be a theme. It seems that completing joy has to do with closeness - either coming face to face ("I have much to write to you, but I do not want to use paper and ink. Instead, I hope to visit you and talk with you face to face, so that our joy may be complete." - 2 John 1:11) or, even greater, when Jesus talks about it - it is "remaining in Him" - so I wonder if the significance of romantic love has to do with the intimacy of it - after all, sin made a chasm, so that intimacy was not possible - and romantic love on this earth represents the greatest earthly intimacy, which is but a shadow of the intimacy that the Church will share with Christ when it is wedded to Him.

Oh, but this is confusing...

I am at least minorly depressed right now. I guess maybe it's okay to just give in sometimes...I'm tired of fighting all the things to be sad about...and trying to be apathetic about things that matter. Maybe sometimes depression is appropriate and thus I should be happy that I'm doing the appropriate thing for once!

I was watching one of my most favorite movies and it had gotten to my most favorite part and the DVD was scratched at that exact spot!

But of course that's not really the issue at hand...

I wonder why there have been so many sad things happening this Christmas.

People hurting themselves, people falling ill, people being attacked, people passing away.

The season started this way and ended this way.

How so very strange.

Does it have anything to do with Christmas? Does it have anything to do with the lifespan of this earth?

I wonder. It is sobering.

I just realized today that analogies exist because there are patterns in this universe. I had previously realized the existence of both those things, and even consciously tied them together in some way, but the significant thought that cemented this idea for me was that we should consciously look for patterns because they exist. That is why analogies exist, and why they are so important. The thing I appreciate most from the SAT was the fact that I had to study analogies for it; that was what first brought this tremendously fascinating concept to my attention. I like looking for patterns anywhere and everywhere, tangible or intangible, but I used to think it was a sort of random hit and miss. Now I realize that not only is it valid; it is something that we should do.

I think we should assume a writer's mind and constantly search for analogies...not for writing but for improving our understanding of this world.

Patterns are fascinating things. For one, there are trees. The tree shape is everywhere...that of a trunk branching out time and time again (points to a Source for all things).

Someone told me that they thought the entire creation was one complex fractal - down to the molecular level. I wonder about that...what if it is? The patterns would make a lot of sense then. But of course it is not something we can really try to figure out. Proving or disproving such an idea is rather beyond us.

Okay...that last post was a horrible way to start off a new year - but wait...I said there was no change in significance between one moment and the next...so there is no new year - wait - lol. I just noticed that the past few posts I've made have sounded awfully depressed. I must turn over a new leaf! Smile...say cheese (*cheese*!)...grin for the camera of life and because I do have reasons to smile. I really need to smile. Lately I always seem to feel a frown on my forehead...I don't know why (and this is why I'm writing...because I kind of need to vent) - I wish that going on autopilot didn't entail anxiety and that my mind would feel a teeny bit lighter. (Smile.) Really try. <> It's not working. I feel like Garfield.

I think that maybe the very simple thing I need is sleep. But somehow I think I've had enough of vacation. I think it would be nice to get back to work.

Oh - there is a verse. :-) This one is worth recording.

Psalm 27:1 is one of my favorite verses ever...I think it has been my verse this year - it always came to mind in the hardest of times: "The LORD is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid? " I cannot deny this verse. I liked it so much I put it on bookmarks and gave it out at Christmas. Amazingly it opened up the way for a conversation with someone who really, really needed to talk. I was encouraged that I was able to share with her that God could help her...and that I could mean it with all my heart and no doubt.

Yesterday I read the whole psalm and the last verse also stood out to me:

"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD."

I guess it is an appropriate end-of-the-year verse...although I would not prefer another year of waiting, I think waiting is so very important...I think it is one of the best ways to hear God speak. I think we don't hear God as often as we might because often we don't wait long enough.

I started out depressed and it turned into this...I guess it is good to encourage myself. Now I am a sort of emulsion - feeling both positive and negative. They don't exactly mix but they can coexist in one spot.

Sometimes I think when people (me) are depressed...they just want to be depressed and they don't really want to feel happy because depression is fulfilling in a morbid sort of way. So..................... (small grin)..................

New Year's Reflections

I really don't like New Year's. What separates 11:59:59 p.m. from 12:00:00 a.m. anyhow? I don't see what the point of separating it all is. It's just a day like any other; marking it is depressing....depressing...depressing - a year gone by, with the weight of regrets of things happened and regrets of things undone - and the burden of another year to make the most of, to live...all squished into one minute. I hate countdowns. I used to make it a point to get up to see the dawn of the New Year - but houses and buildings obfuscated the view. City life.

I don't really understand why on earth I should be so ridiculously cynical about New Year's! I am not a huge fan of cynicism.

So I guess I'm rather depressed right now. A couple minutes ago I was informed by an informant that...apparently...it used to be that when I was depressed I would go and read Crime and Punishment. I don't know if this is true; I cannot remember. It is possible. But it must have been snatches of the story that I reread; I've only read the book through once and it was highly complicated so that now I don't really remember it all that well.

Speaking of punishment...I had some reflections a couple months earlier on guilt. Guilt is a monstrosity that can eat a person dry...especially unmerited guilt.

I was so confused about guilt - I kept wondering how on earth I could let go of guilt. It has such a capacity to take over, and it made me so wretched - and it didn't make sense; what was there to be guilty about anyhow?

And then it hit me that perhaps there is a link between guilt and pride. After all, if God is saying it's okay, who is saying it's not? ...What right do we have to say that it's not? Who is it that can't accept ourselves? Whose standards aren't we measuring up to?

Actually it was easier after that to let go of guilt.

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." ~ 1 John 4:18

But oh, goodness, is it ever hard not to give in to a sad mood. :

What I need right now is a really beautiful song that has no hint of sadness in it.