New Year's Reflections

I really don't like New Year's. What separates 11:59:59 p.m. from 12:00:00 a.m. anyhow? I don't see what the point of separating it all is. It's just a day like any other; marking it is depressing....depressing...depressing - a year gone by, with the weight of regrets of things happened and regrets of things undone - and the burden of another year to make the most of, to live...all squished into one minute. I hate countdowns. I used to make it a point to get up to see the dawn of the New Year - but houses and buildings obfuscated the view. City life.

I don't really understand why on earth I should be so ridiculously cynical about New Year's! I am not a huge fan of cynicism.

So I guess I'm rather depressed right now. A couple minutes ago I was informed by an informant that...apparently...it used to be that when I was depressed I would go and read Crime and Punishment. I don't know if this is true; I cannot remember. It is possible. But it must have been snatches of the story that I reread; I've only read the book through once and it was highly complicated so that now I don't really remember it all that well.

Speaking of punishment...I had some reflections a couple months earlier on guilt. Guilt is a monstrosity that can eat a person dry...especially unmerited guilt.

I was so confused about guilt - I kept wondering how on earth I could let go of guilt. It has such a capacity to take over, and it made me so wretched - and it didn't make sense; what was there to be guilty about anyhow?

And then it hit me that perhaps there is a link between guilt and pride. After all, if God is saying it's okay, who is saying it's not? ...What right do we have to say that it's not? Who is it that can't accept ourselves? Whose standards aren't we measuring up to?

Actually it was easier after that to let go of guilt.

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." ~ 1 John 4:18

But oh, goodness, is it ever hard not to give in to a sad mood. :

What I need right now is a really beautiful song that has no hint of sadness in it.